Finding friends in a new city; one of the most daunting things you can do.
In April this year, my husband and I decided to make a huge change in our lives: move from Perth, Western Australia, to Girona in Spain, Catalunya. And while it’s only been 3 months, I made it my mission to try my very best to meet new potential friends. I wanted to really make it my priority and develop true friendships, especially because I hope to live here for the foreseeable future. The road to making new friends in a new city/country hasn’t been easy, but in the process I’ve learnt a lot. I’ve not only learnt some great strategies for making new friends, but I’ve also learnt a lot about myself, and what kind of people I want to be friends with. So I figured, there must be plenty of other people just like me out there, who are travelling, visiting a new city, or who have relocated, and want to connect with others too. For you, my friend, here’s my advice…
What are your motives for wanting new friends?
Okay, this might sound like a weird one to ask, but what really are your motives for wanting new friendships? Have a real hard think about this. Do you want deep connections with people, or are you just wanting surface level friends and people you can connect with on Instagram? For me, I really wanted to find:
A community of like minded people in the new city I’m living in.
A close group of people I could rely on (and vice versa) when needed.
Friends I could be myself with, relax with, and go and do things with (play cards, get coffee, go on hikes etc).
At the very least, find someone cool I can be my weird self with.
How to find friends in a new city:
If you’re new to a city, it can be superrrrrr overwhelming trying to find new friends. For me here in Spain, not only was I organising the logistics of setting up a new apartment, adjusting to cultural differences, and trying to navigate a new language (which by the way, I don’t speak competently at all yet), but I really wanted to feel like I “fit in”. Not speaking Spanish/Catalan (while not integral), has been a challenge for some social settings, but I’ve still been able to find some great people who I’m stoked I can say are my friends.
If you’re looking to create new connections, here are some ways you can meet like-minded people:
1) Join a group / club / exercise class
One of the first things I did when I arrived in Girona was join a pilates studio. But for you, this could be finding a social club, maybe a running group, gym, or anything really where people gather on a regular basis. The pilates studio I found thankfully taught in English, which meant it also attracted other internationals just like me. Be friendly in these classes. Try to speak to others and be inquisitive about their lives. The goal here is you want to suss out potential parallels with their lives and yours. And whether you have the potential to be friends in the future. If at first you don’t succeed, keep at it until you find a group you resonate with.
2) Consider joining friendship apps & voice messages
I’ve had the LEAST success with friendship apps and finding friends online of all methods, but that’s just me. I really prefer to meet people in real life, but that said, I’ve given the typical dating app, Bumble, a go and selected the “Bumble BFF” search option. Although, I have developed online connections with people I’ve never met before. In fact for this medium, the best method I’ve found for these ‘friendships’ to develop quickly is by sending voice messages. Yes, I know it’s a very Gen Z thing to do, but voice messages really do share the emotion behind a message and make you feel more connected with the other person. Voice messages are also a great solution to get around the language barrier. If either party doesn’t write well in their non-native language (e.g. English), then voice messages usually help to get around this.
3) Make sure you get their details / contact info
One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in the past with potential friendships, is not getting someone’s contact details. It’s all good and well to make a connection with someone in real life, but then forget to ask how you can connect with them in the future. I usually ask something like “are you on Instagram?” which means I can also be subtly reminded of their name by viewing their profile. This means I can DM them in the future for a coffee or catch-up (and maybe stalk their lives a little bit beforehand for some talking points). If they’re not on Instagram, I’ll ask for their WhatsApp details (you can share your WhatsApp QR code too which makes number/contact sharing between internationals very handy). If they don’t offer any of these, then it might be better to take a hint, and say something like “oh well I’ll probably catch you at the next class”. But chances are you’ll be given something you can contact them with.
4) Don’t forget your friends back home!
Making new friends in a new city does not mean you need to suddenly forget about your friends in other countries/cities. It’s great (and very special) to find new connections, and good friendships can often last a long time if fostered. But sometimes appreciating your friends you already have can be more important than finding new ones. Make sure you FaceTime/WhatsApp/call your family and friends, and remember to check-in with the people who are important to you. If you’re feeling disheartened about the friendship-finding process, then a call to an old friend can be a great reminder that you’re not in this alone.
Contacting old friends from home can also bring about home-sickness — something most ex-pats living abroad can relate to. To navigate around this, maybe you want to plan a holiday back ‘home’ to visit those nearest/dearest to you? Or perhaps they want to come visit you? I recently went on a trip to visit my friend Chloe in Norway (she’s originally from Perth) and it was so great to connect with her again after 3+ months. In fact, we’re planning another holiday to Slovenia later this year.
5) Get out & about and find a good cafe (or bar)
One of the most under-rated and unexpected ways I’ve made new connections in Girona is through my favourite cafe, Oniria. What’s special about Oniria? Well, the concept of the cafe is based on bringing people “together” (junts / juntos in Catalan/Spanish). But with all seriousness, this cafe really does connect people. The vibe is small, cosy and the way the tables/chairs are laid out means you’re almost guaranteed to overhear conversions, have a chat with another international/local, or at the very least, give a passing “hola”.
I’ve been super fortunate to meet many beautiful people just by sitting, drinking my coffee, and being open to conversation here. In fact, I met my good friend Rocío at this very cafe!
Now you’ve found some good people, when is enough ENOUGH?
At some point, we have to make a choice and decide when enough is enough. If you’re like me, there is a limit to your social fuse, and finding new friends/socialising/having the same conversations with new people can be exhausting. You’ll know when this time is for you, but even if you’ve made one new friend, then I’d say that’s a success.
We don’t have the capacity to feasibly manage thousands of deep, authentic friendships at one time. And sometimes this process can be really challenging and disheartening. Every city/country/person is different. And it’s okay to fall out of friendship with people or struggle to connect with new people. As you travel and move through life, you will change as a person, and not everyone is on the same train ride to the same destination — and that’s okay!
But if I’ve learnt anything so far from trying to make new friends in a new city it’s this: friendships take time, care and fostering. And they also need to be reciprocal. If you’re finding that your friendship efforts are falling flat, then maybe that friendship isn’t meant to be right now (or maybe ever).
Lastly, if you’re travelling and moving from place to place often, then it can be super difficult to develop friendships without spending an extended period of time with the other person. Listen to yourself. It’s also totally okay not to be on a “friend hunt” if you already have too much on your plate or it’s not the right time. More importantly, a friendship with one's self is something that should be truly cherished.
